


Raining Cats and Gods

by anniespinkhouse



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, Chad - Freeform, Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, Inter-Species Sex, M/M, flawed mythology and biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:55:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anniespinkhouse/pseuds/anniespinkhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Jared is a Rain God, Jensen is a virgin, and everything is Chad's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raining Cats and Gods

**Author's Note:**

> Betas: Thanks to sylsdarkplace and meus_venator for making this better. Any mistakes belong to me. I do meddle with my text when I post.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is fiction, pure fantasy folks. Nobody here belongs to me and they’re not likely to get in my van for candy any time soon. Written for the ianaugural week of j2_crack

 

 

Jensen should have known it was all a misunderstanding, because golden-tanned men with the stature of a demi-god, don't fall for nerds like him. Jensen would have liked to blame Doctor Who, but he couldn't stay angry with the show for long, especially when it was the source of great Eleven/Rory fic. Realistically, it was Chad who talked them into attending Comic Con, so the blame should be laid firmly on him.  
  
He wound up a clockwork dalek, and let it trundle across his desk, while he stared at the endlessly gray sky and watched rain lash against his window. It trickled in lines to the sill, and plopped to the ground in giant drops that made a persistent and distracting noise, which nobody else in his office seemed to hear. In fact, by some peculiar fate of weather, the rain was only falling against the one window, by his cubicle.  
  
He dropped his head to the surface of his desk, head-butted it twice, and left it there. _Jared_ , he thought, with a sigh.  
  
A paper airplane skimmed over his hair and landed by his hand. He raised his head and opened the plane, just as Danneel appeared by his side bearing strong coffee. 'Man up. This is your fault,' was scribed in her neat handwriting.  
  
"No. It's Chad's fault," Jensen declared, as he took the coffee.  
  
Danni nodded wisely. It was a well known fact, that when things went awry in their personal lives, it was always Chad's fault. It was a mystery why they kept their mutual friend around, now they had all finished college, except that he could, on occasion, be the source of awesome nerdy resources. Also, he didn't understand any variation of the words, "Go away."  
  
"You're the only one who can fix it, Jen," she said quietly, looking pointedly at the rain tapping against his window. "Don't let the boss catch you mooning around."  
  
"I am not!" Jensen straightened up, and clicked at his keyboard.  
  
Danni patted him on the back, "You keep kidding yourself. By the way, I think that letter should read, Dear Mr. Kripke, not Dear Mr. Jared."  
  
Jensen groaned and corrected it. His admin job, for an insurance giant, was mundane and tedious, but it paid the bills, and most months he had cash left over to save for the collectibles that were dotted around his room. At that moment, he had his eye on a limited edition Farscape poster signed by Claudia Black and Ben Browder. The thought of it kept his attention focused on his work most days.  
  
He passed the comic shop on the way home. Water streamed over the side walk to the gutter. Seattle couldn't be far from flooding. He lifted his collar and put his head down. Wind howled, and there was a sudden crack of lightning. The window of the comic shop exploded in flickering shards, and people dashed screaming and crying from the immediate area. Jensen huffed and glared up into the sky. Water flooded over his foot, and something solid lodged against his shoe. Jensen eyed the cylindrical container with suspicion, and glanced back at the comic shop, where it had rolled from. He leaned down to pick it up, found a patch of shelter in a doorway, and peeked inside. Sure enough, he could just make out Claudia Black's hair and one of Ben Browder's eyes. He put the lid back on the container and slipped it under his coat. He rolled his eyes. He was going to kill Chad, and possibly Jared, if Jared could be killed, which was doubtful. Danneel was right, this whole thing was a mess, and only Jensen could fix it.

***

It started so innocently. Chad, Danni and Jensen were marathoning Doctor Who - the ninth Doctor with Rose and Captain Jack, and the whole evening was going swimmingly. There was popcorn, beer and Captain Jack Harkness in a uniform. Jensen was completely digging it.  
  
Then, Chad said, like it wasn't important at all, "My friend can get tickets to Comic Con, right here, in Seattle. We should totally go. Billie Piper is going to be there, and Lexa Doig." He made a disgusting thrusting move with his pelvis. "Zing!" he said with his thumbs up, then as an afterthought, "John Barrowman and those two dudes from Supernatural will be there, and there's parties and karaoke. We might get an Eleven drunk enough to take Jensen's virginity." He grinned, "Result!"  
  
Of course Danni screeched, and Jensen ignored the (unfortunately true) remark about being a virgin, and it all seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was. Comic Con was loud, brash, expensive and exciting. Jensen got to hug John Barrowman (he never wanted to let go), Danni refused Ian Somerhalder's kind invitation to go backstage with him, and Chad got slapped by Wonder Woman. There were real-size daleks, the TARDIS, the Winchester's Impala, and incredible Cos players at every turn.  The three friends were having a blast, and Chad's next suggestion of a costumed Karaoke night, at his friend's club, sounded like a reasonable idea, except that it was Chad's idea, and involved one of Chad's more dubious friends. After four refusals, Jensen didn't have the energy left to argue. He let himself be pulled along. Really, Jensen should have known better.  
  
The club was loud and smoky. Chad was dressed as Captain America, necking in a corner with Cat Woman, and Danni was Charlie Bradbury, making cow-eyes at Captain Kirk. Jensen was wearing his blue TARDIS suit, and just wanted to find somewhere quiet to nurse his drink. It wasn't that he didn't want somebody, and he wasn't hanging on to his virginity as something precious or anything, but he didn't seem to be able to talk to people. His tongue got tied, he'd stare like a lunatic and then run away. Add in, that apparently, he didn't look gay, or he only looked gay to the creepy nut-jobs who wanted him to do strange things in rubber, and he tended to be shy on nights like these.  
  
He gravitated towards a less frantic corner, where the owner of the club, Steve, was showing off his latest acquisition. Over the thump of loud music, and between gyrating dancers, he was eager to describe the miniature fountain, in his 'romance corner', and how it had been smuggled from an Olmec archaeological dig, at great expense.  Jensen sneered at the pile of rocks, over which water merrily trickled. It was neon-lit for club-atmosphere, and had a series of characters carved into one of the large stones. Jensen reached fingertips to touch it, sure that it would be fiber-glass, but the stone was real. Water suddenly spouted and he was soaked and shocked. It wasn't unpleasant, in fact it was refreshing. Steve glared at him, while everyone else laughed. "It's ancient. You shouldn't touch it."  
  
Jensen sniggered at the stage-manship, and somebody asked about the inscription on the stone. Steve boasted that it was a romantic incantation, in an archaic language. Jensen leaned over, looked closely and argued that it was more like Klingon. Spock and Batman looked closely and agreed.  
  
"You read it out then," challenged Steve.  
  
So, Jensen did.  It wasn't quite the Klingon he was familiar with, but it was close enough. Steve looked glumly at his rocks and stalked off, and everybody dispersed back to the dance floor, and that was that, or so Jensen thought.  
  
He sipped his drink, and wondered why he hadn't noticed He-Man without his Masters of The Universe, among the crowd before. The man stood tall, golden skinned, and muscular, at the center of where the gathering had been. He wore little more than a loincloth and body paint, bracelets on his wrists, and a rainbow of gem earrings in both ears. He stared at Jensen in a very peculiar way, and Jensen blushed.  
  
Jensen knew he was nothing to look at. He was all ginger-blonde hair and freckles, and despite being tall, he was a lot, lot smaller than this guy. He had stupid bow legs for God's sake. Still, he couldn't help the shy, slightly drunk glances he kept giving the dude. He felt giddy. He'd never been so attracted to anyone before. Hell, if he had any confidence he would bowl the dude over and lick him. Instead, he hid behind the fountain ...and uh-oh, He-Man followed him.  
  
The most beautiful almond-shaped eyes peered around the fountain at him. They were the color of rain, or wet grass, with flecks of golden sunlight, or some such shit. Anyway, they were hard to define, multicolored like shades of a lake on a cloudy day.  Jensen wondered why he was noticing them at all, when the guy's chest was smooth and firm, he had a six pack, incredible thighs ... and huge feet with long toes, and he had no shoes.  
  
"Greetings," smiled He-Man. Jensen snapped his gaze back to the dude's face. He was all wide eyes, messy soft hair, and dimples, and his head happily bobbed to the beat of the music. "This is a very fine gathering. These drums beat loudly, and your people dance with energy. You make a persuasive offering."  
  
Jensen blinked, he couldn't find words. The one time he would probably sound more lucid than the company he kept, and his voice refused to work. Great!  
  
The man cocked his head to one side, and peered at Jensen. He stuck his tongue out and licked the tips of his elegant fingers, before running them slowly around wide full lips. _Jesus, fuck, hell, crap_. Jensen couldn't look away or even blink during that little display. He could think of other things he'd like those lips to come in contact with. He shook himself out of his trance when the man dropped his fingers from his face and studied them. He looked back at Jensen with a frown of confusion. "Are my words correct?  It has been many years. Maybe my translation magic fails."  
  
"Um, uh, eee," Jensen cringed at his own attempts at conversation. There was a hot guy, near-naked in front of him, talking _to him_ , and here he was, sounding like he was about to sneeze. Great.  
  
He-Man craned his neck to look around the club. He smiled. It looked like relief. "No babies," he said. "That is good. I will never know who started that rumor, but I don't want dead babies," he paused, "Or dead anything, unless it is cooked. I rather like coddled eggs, and cured pig. Oh, that looks refreshing."  Long fingers wrapped around the beer in Jensen's hand and took it from him.  
  
Jensen was too shocked to protest. He watched as acres of neck tipped back and the tall stranger drank his beer in three ridiculously erotic gulps. He didn't know what to do. Jensen thought he must have looked as if he was offering the beer, so it seemed impolite to call him out on theft. He decided to ignore it.  
  
He finally found his voice. "What are you?" He waved his hand up and down the man's body, indicating his costume, because he sure as hell didn't role-play like Masters of The Universe.  
  
"Oh," said tall dude, forlornly.  
  
Jensen wondered how such a big guy could look so much like a sick kitten.  
  
The man glanced down at his mostly bare body, and back at Jensen. "It's my first time on my own, and I know I'm not as impressive as Tlaloc or Chaac."  
  
If Jensen was aiming not to offend the dude, he was failing miserably. He felt terrible for upsetting him. It must be horrid to be alone among the chaos of Comic Con, however confident a person was. He still had no idea what the costume was, or who the characters he mentioned were. He searched his brain for lesser-known comic books, and manga characters, and came up blank.  "Well, I think you are magnificent," Jensen complimented in the end. He flushed when he realized his own words, he stuttered, “look magnificent … costume is … that is...,” then trailed off.  
  
The sunny smile was back. Fingers cupped Jensen's chin gently and a thumb caressed his cheek. Jensen was sure his feet left the floor, he jumped so hard with the unexpected shock of the touch. Not that he minded, it was oddly comforting and a whole lot exciting.  
  
 "You are the most beautiful and worthy virgin, for Jared the Rain God, and I like what your people have done with my shrine. The colors are bright like a rainbow. I enjoy everything about this offering. My favor shall reward your town."  
  
Jensen barely had time to register the _uh-oh_ , at that whole peculiar speech before Jared was spinning with his arms wide, and his loincloth fluttered dangerously upward. In the next moment, fire alarms were sounding. Sprinklers opened with the drenching spray of cold water. His first reaction was to curse. His costume was dry-clean only. It would be ruined. Then, there was a stampede for the exits, and Jensen frantically looked about for Chad and Danni. He breathed out when he saw his friends wave at him, and indicate the main exit. He'd meet them outside.  
  
From the corner of his eye he could see that Jared, the Rain God (seriously-that was a totally new character to him), was making no effort to walk to the exit. Instead, he was dancing in the deluge, happy and innocent as anyone could be. His loincloth was soaked, and a prominent well-proportioned outline could be seen in the cloth. Apparently, Jared took his Cos play seriously, and wasn't wearing any underwear. _Jesus_. Jensen was almost purple with embarrassment, but there was concern too. Something was definitely not right with Jared. "Fire!" he yelled, and grabbed Jared's hand, tugging him towards the exit.  
  
Jared stopped and looked around wild-eyed. "Where?" he asked. "I don't like fire." He actually shuddered.  
  
"I don't know. We should get out."  
  
They were ushered through the main doors into cold rain outside, and what was with that? It had been a bright cloudless night, with fine weather forecast to continue for days. Jensen looked dismally at the fading sleeve of his TARDIS suit. He had saved for two months to buy it off eBAY.  
  
"Mmm." Jared said, as he followed, "Are we going to the altar?” He nuzzled Jensen's ear. “You shall sacrifice your virginity to me, soon. I am looking forward to it." He sniffed the back of Jensen's neck, “You smell wonderful. I think we are compatible. You will go to the celestial realm with me.”  
  
_Sacrifice his what, and go where?_ Oh! The other shoe dropped. "I am going to fucking kill Chad!"  
  
Outside, in the gathering mayhem, there were fire trucks and police cars. An ambulance screeched to the curb, and camera flashes broke the gloom. Somewhere, in the middle of it all, Steve was frantically apologizing for the inconvenience, and loudly criticizing the suppliers of a faulty fire sprinkler system.  
  
Jensen saw Jared freeze. He estimated that the rain god was about three gulps of air from a panic attack. Seriously, Chad was going to die, especially if he had anything to do with the sprinkler debacle, because Jared actually seemed like a nice guy, and he was basically naked, on a busy street, in the freezing rain.  
  
"No, no. Don't kill anyone." Jared sounded genuinely worried. He tugged at Jensen's arm. "There are many more worshipers than I expected. Um, thirty would be plenty. Three, even. Is the altar out here? I'm not really used to... well, it's my first time. I know Tloloc would be very impressed, and my father was all about a show, but...," Jared hung his head, "He retired, and I didn't think I'd ever be summoned, and I never took much notice of the ceremony with father, because who wants to watch their dad get it on? and... I mean it's been thousands of years... and...,"  
  
Jared finally stopped his frenzied ramble, to take a huge, shivering breath. Jensen was getting increasingly worried about the man. He caught the eye of a firefighter, who took a single look at Jared, and understood his concern. A foil blanket was wrapped around Jared with a reassuring pat on his back.  
  
Jared wrinkled the foil in his hands and grinned at the noise.  He twirled with the blanket as a cape, and giggled at the colors it reflected. He stared in fascination at the way drops of rain trickled over it.  "This is...," he sighed happily, "...the most beautiful gift yet." Then he clapped his hand to his mouth, and totally unexpectedly, leaned down to kiss Jensen softly on the lips, "Except for you. You are more delightful, than I ever imagined. Your eyes are the color of the Emerald Lake, you have golden raindrops all over your skin, your hair is the color of hay after a storm, and your legs invite me to spread them.  Even my father never had such a sacrifice."  
  
The fire-fighter raised his eyebrows at Jensen, and they both stared at Jared. "What has he taken? Does he need medical assistance?"  
  
Jensen shrugged. "It's okay. We have a mutual friend. It's him who will need medical assistance."  
  
The fire fighter nodded knowingly. "You make sure he gets home safely, and don't leave him alone until he's sobered up."  
  
"I'll look after him," Jensen promised.  
  
Jensen didn't object when Jared snaked a long arm around his waist and shared his foil blanket. "I will tell your people that their chariots are very fine. They can ride off, while we... um. We could find a cave. Somewhere private. I don't think an altar is essential. I'm fairly sure your shamen made that up."  
  
Somebody poked Jensen in the ribs, "Chad's hailing a taxi, but it's a total bitch, everyone needs one." Danni's bright voice spoke next to Jensen's ear, and her hand stroked his arm. "Ooh. Oh! Jensen! Who is this handsome hunk of meat?"  
  
Jared looked down at Jensen's friend, and snarled. Not a slight clearing of his throat, not a little whine, no, a full on tiger-like threat, and how does anyone even do that?  
  
In the distance thunder rolled, and jagged light leaped from cloud to cloud. Jared watched it, and swayed, as if in time to music only he heard.  
  
"This," said Jensen, grating his teeth, "Is Jared the Rain God, and I swear I am going to kill Chad for this prank.  Also, I think our nerdy Rain God been roofied, and he doesn't have a stitch of clothing, or any belongings, so Chad will have to get him home."  
  
"He likes you. Mm, and you look good together. Hey, you should thank whoever roofied him. I mean he's got his arm around you. You're practically at first base. If you score a home run, can I watch?" She nudged him and winked.  
  
"No!" yelled Jensen over a fresh crack of thunder. Sometimes he hated his friends.  
  
Jared narrowed his eyes at Danneel. He took her hand from Jensen's arm and placed it by her side. His previously gentle voice seemed to boom, "You should respect him. You should respect **me**."  
  
"Oh, wow.  Touchy. No need to be rude," huffed Danni.  
  
Rain poured down, like an equatorial storm, and just above Danneel, a gutter broke loose.  A splash of muddy water drenched her, and half rotted leaves stuck to her hair. "Ugh. Oh my god! Who suggested we come to this awful place?"  
  
"Whassup bitches!" Chad clapped Danni and Jensen on the back. "Steve's ordering a taxi for us. It will pick us up around the back, to save it being mobbed. Come on."  
  
"Chad!"  Danni and Jensen growled at the same time.  
  
"Yeah! I'm the man!" grinned Chad with a swagger. He didn't seem to care that his soaked Spandex left little to the imagination. "Hey, who's the Tarzan? Woah! Jenny, or should I say Janey...," he cackled, "...we can drop you off at his tree-house, if things are getting tropical." He wiggled his eyebrows at Jared.  
  
"I'm JARED," roared Jared. The name seemed to combine with an almighty crack of lightning that struck horribly close. Chad's shoes smoked hot, and his hair stood on end.  
  
"Wow. Touchy," commented Chad. All around them hobbits, superheroes and inter galactic travelers rushed for shelter.  
  
"Chad! We have to get away from here," Danneel shouted.  
  
"Say goodbye to Tarzan, Jenny,  get his number, and come on," Chad said, impatiently leading the way.  
  
"No. This is your fault. You set him up to prank me. You have to get him home," Jensen demanded.  
  
Jared leaned in to Jensen, "You have to give me your virginity, only then can I go home."  
  
"Oh, c'mon. Joke over!" Jensen raised his arms in despair. "Chad tell him he can stop."  
  
Jared's brow furrowed. _Oh crap!_ He had the sick kitten expression again. Jensen put his arm around Jared's waist so they were flush to each other. It felt amazing. He wanted to snuggle into his side and stay there, but it would be taking advantage of the dude's current state. "It's not your fault," he reassured. "Chad pulls this shit all the time. You have to put your foot down with him."  
  
Jared squinted down at his bare feet. He lifted his right foot up and stamped it onto the sidewalk with a splash of water. He looked back at Chad, as if he expected something to happen, then frowned.  
  
Jensen glared at Chad, "Chad where does Jared live?"  
  
Jared answered. "I have a little place, between the Emerald Lake, and the sun nymphs' meadow. I think we'll have to modernize, and if you don't like the decor we could change it."  
  
Chad answered at the same time, "How should I know? You picked up the weirdo. Ask him."  
  
"Stop it! You set us up. Can't you see the state he's in?" Jensen punched Chad.  
  
"Ouch! I haven't set anybody up. I promise. Well, except Cat Woman, and she scratched me somewhere intimate when she found out. This evening was not about you. I have no idea who Tarzan is." Chad flailed and his hand splashed in the suddenly deep, muddy puddle that was gathering on the ground around him. He tried to get up, and Jensen punched him again. To be fair, neither punch was very powerful; Jensen didn't want to hurt his knuckles.  
  
Jared and Danni looked at Chad and Jensen, and then at each other, in shock. The rain stopped abruptly, and a yellow cab sloshed to a halt beside them, kicking up a spray of water from the road.  
  
"This isn't how it's supposed to work. Jensen said there would be no killing. Should we intervene?" Jared asked Danni.  
  
"No. They're idiots, and Chad deserves it. C'mon honey, Jensen's right, we can't leave you like this.  Where do you live?"  
  
"I said, I have a place by the Emerald..,"  
  
"Oh, honey, you're wrecked. I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you. Jensen can lend you some PJs, and you can sleep on our sofa. We'll work it out in the morning."  
  
"You want me to stay?" Jared's brow furrowed, and then he smiled. Like camping? Do you play monopoly?"  
  
The cab driver cleared his throat, "If you don't need a ride, I have other customers."  
  
Danni answered hastily, "No, no. we're getting in the cab. Aren't we? Do you have some plastic for your seat, we're a little wet." She smiled sexy-sweet at the driver, and his attitude softened.  
  
"Of course."  
  
Danneel, pulled a confused-looking Jared into the cab. The rain started down again.  
  
"I've never been in a chariot," grinned Jared.  
  
Danni patted his knee. "Jensen! Chad! Get your asses in this cab right now!" she yelled. "Sometimes you have to be firm with them," she explained.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure that Jensen will be perfect for me," Jared sighed.  
  
Danni patted his knee again, "Yes, hon, I think he will."

 ***

Jared was quiet in the cab. In fact he turned quite green, grabbed for Jensen's hand and leaned his head on his shoulder. "It's very fast," he whispered in Jensen's ear, squeezing his hand tight. He looked both relieved and bemused when he arrived at the house which Chad, Danneel, and Jensen shared.  Ten minutes was spent opening and closing the main door, and then another ten minutes turning the tap in the kitchen on and off, and exclaiming at the hot water that ran from it. "And I can stay for the night?" he asked in awe, "Because mostly we never get invited to stay for the celebration after." He seemed to ponder on it, "But then it isn't _after_ , because we haven't finished the ceremony." He smiled widely at Jensen, and continued grinning at Chad and Danneel, "When do we have sex?" he asked, cheerfully.  
  
Chad spat his drink, "Woah there, cowboy! We haven't been introduced."  
  
"Not you.You're tainted," Jared said, equally cheerfully. "Only my virgin with the golden raindrop skin." He pulled Jensen close and kissed the top of his head.  
  
Jensen beamed smugly.  
  
Danneel grabbed a towel, and spoke firmly, "Okay Mister Rain God, you're delusional. You need to get a warm shower, before you catch your death. Then, you will sleep on the sofa, and there will be no man-touching or fucking like bunnies, because Jensen has been drinking, and you have been slipped goodness knows what. Neither of you are properly introduced, or capable of consent."  
  
Jensen was oddly crushed by the ban, even if he knew Danni was right. God knows, it could be Rohypnol that Jared had been given, and where would that leave Jensen in the morning? He was rather taken with the idea of fucking like bunnies with Jared though. He was so close to the not-a-virgin-anymore finish line, and he didn't think he cared if he had self-respect in the morning, because Jared was scorching hot and cute. He sighed. He hoped Jared would still like him when he was sober, but he was sure he'd run screaming as soon as he realized what a plain nerd Jensen was. His life sucked.  
  
Jared peered worriedly down at Jensen, "I am Jared, son of Padalecki, second Jaguar Deity of the Olmec. Are you going to run away?" he asked.  
  
“Proves my point,” commented Danni, dryly.  
  
"I'm Jensen Ackles, and it's my house," laughed Jensen, "So, of course not. We may order pizza though. What toppings do you like?"  
  
"Pizza?"  
  
"Never mind. We'll order a mixture."  
  
Danni showed Jared the shower, and there was more delight from him. He used every drop of hot water, and wandered naked, and dripping a wet trail, into the kitchen. Chad and Danni screeched, covered their eyes and left the room, while Jensen struggled to provide a towel without taking advantage of the view. Jensen didn't have much experience in these things but honestly; he knew quality when he saw it.  
  
Hmm. You like what you see of your God?"  
  
Jensen nodded dumbly and shoved some soft PJs at Jared. "Yes, but we ought not to share with Danneel and Chad."  
  
Jared posed unselfconsciously, "Worshipers like to see me."  
  
Jensen floundered for an answer, "Well, they... haven't earned it."  
  
"True enough," Jared agreed. He slipped the clothes on. It was still faintly pornographic. The tee-shirt was tight on his chest, and pert nipples showed through.The soft shorts pulled tight over his ass and did little to hide the bulge at his crotch. Jensen itched to touch, but resisted the urge with a dab of cold water on his neck.  
  
Pizza was delivered. They sat on the sofa and watched late night television while they ate. Jared sat next to Jensen, and petted his hair and shoulder while engrossed in the on-off relationship of Rachel and Ross, in Friends. He ate over half the pizza, without even looking at it, much to the chagrin of Chad, and the astonishment of Danneel. When he was done, he burped and rubbed his stomach. "Pizza has my approval," he announced.  
  
"Good." Jensen curled into Jared's side, and laid his head on his chest. Jared was firm and warm, and smelled like summer rain. Jensen wanted to burrow into him, hug him and never let go. He couldn't keep his eyes open.  
  
"Well, I'm turning in." Chad waved goodnight.  
  
Danni lingered. "Jen. You should go to bed."  
  
"M'cozy 'nd m'not tired," Jensen protested. She was right of course, and what she was really saying was, _don't be stupid, go to your room, and lock the door, because you have no idea if Jared is an addict or an axe murderer, or if you can control yourself all night._  
  
Jared growled protectively, "I'll make sure he's safe," which clearly did nothing to reassure Danni. She backed away nervously.  
  
"I'll be right there, in my room, _next door_ ," She glared at them both, "If there's a problem, you only have to shout."  
  
"Go t'bed, Danni, m'n'adult," Jensen mumbled.  
  
Outside, the rain still fell. It gathered, burst drain covers, and swelled streams. Inside, infomercials played on the TV, while Jensen draped over a virtual stranger and slept like a baby. He dreamed of sunlight after summer rainfall, the babble of brooks, and calm sea with a lazy foam swell.

 ***

The first thing Jensen noticed when he awoke, was how comfortable he was. He felt safe and cozy, wrapped into the side of the softest, furry cushion. The second thing, was the sound of somebody hyperventilating. He wasn't sure what order everything else followed in, because waking up, with a black cat's whiskers tickling your face, is disconcerting when you don't own a cat. Especially, when said cat is, in fact, a full size black panther, which undoubtedly has claws like Freddie Krueger, and teeth to match.  
  
It was Danni who couldn't catch her breath. She shook as she stared at the giant cat. Chad stood a little behind her, gaping like a fish, and muttering words like _animal_ _control_. Jensen was aware that he should be freaked out, but somehow, he didn't feel any threat from the predator at his side.  
  
A long black tail thumped rhythmically on the arm of the sofa, and the cat opened exotic multi-hued eyes. It rubbed a giant paw over its nose and licked it clean, and then, just like that, it disappeared, and a very naked Jared appeared next to Jensen. Jared yawned and scratched the back of his neck. Chad caught Danni as she fainted.  
  
"What?" Jared asked. He sounded grouchy.  
  
"Um," said Jensen, hastily averting his eyes as he tucked a woolen throw over Jared.  
  
"Err, ugh, ah," said Chad.  
  
Danni moaned and Chad fanned her.  
  
"Were you just a cat?" asked Jensen, like that was the sort of question he asked every day.  
  
"A cat?"  
  
A gust of wind blew rain noisily at the window, and there was an ominous crack of lightning.  
  
Jensen mimed shape, size and pointy ears. "A very, very big cat."  
  
Jared squinted at him. It was kind of judgmental, as if he wasn't a part time panther, and Danni wasn't recovering from a faint on the floor. "Your friends asked me to keep you safe," he said simply. He grinned and looked at Jensen like he was the only one that mattered in the room. "Good morning, my beautiful virgin. Rain is falling, skies are gray. It's a wonderful day for your sacrifice."  
  
Jensen pinched himself. It hurt. He pinched himself again; he didn't wake up. He stretched and yawned. "I'll find you some clothes." He padded into his bedroom to put his own clothes on, and to find something for Jared. He rooted at the back of his closet for an old sports bag. Sure enough, being a sentimental, and bitter ex-boyfriend, there were Tom Welling's jean's, tee-shirt, socks and hoodie, which had mysteriously gone missing from the college swimming lockers, the day he broke up with Jensen,citing irreconcilable differences, and a pouty glamor-model love-interest.  
  
Chad followed him into his room, and waited for Jensen to stop mumbling and throwing items out of his closet.  "Dude, are we going to talk about your Neanderthal kitty?"  
  
Jensen rushed past him with his bundle. "I'll cook breakfast. Do we have eggs? I remember Jared saying he likes eggs and bacon."  
  
"Jensen ...,"  
  
"No. Not listening. Never happened. Don't want to be late for work."  
  
When they emerged, Danni was perched on the arm of the sofa, by Jared, looking hazily serene. "Jared is a Jaguar rain god," she mentioned casually, " ...and it's not going to stop raining until Jensen has sex with him. Oh, and he likes coffee." The speed and tone of her voice increased until she was practically squeaking. "I am going to make coffee, and then I am going to work, and when I come home, it won't be raining, and there won't be a were-jaguar in the house." She grinned manically at Jensen.  
  
Okay, hysterical, not calm.  
  
Jared looked glum.  
  
"Hey. I got you some clothes. I'll make breakfast while you get dressed."  
  
Jared looked down at his feet. "You're running away because you don't want to be my sacrifice," he sniffed.  
  
"I never said that!" denied Jensen, "I don't want to lose my job, and my boss really hates me, and if I'm late again today, he is going to yell."  
  
"It's true," Danni backed him up. "His boss really hates him, which is all kinds of unfair because he did nothing to him, except being better than him at the job."  
  
"That's not fair," agreed Jared. "But, the thing is, if we complete the ceremony, you won't need a job."  
  
"Don't get me wrong. You seem like a very nice, er, god. It's just, I may be nervous about being a human sacrifice, to a rain god, who is sometimes a cat. Everyone should have a job to fall back on if things don't work out. I need to go to work, and when I get back, you can explain exactly what is involved in your offer."  
  
"It's not an offer!" Jared stamped his foot. Lightning flashed. "You summoned me."  He looked positively tearful. "I thought you meant it. You looked lonely, and the drums were so loud. When you reached through the portal, it felt right. It touched me here," Jared put a hand over his heart, “I thought you could be my one true mate.”  
  
"I never reached through any portals, or summoned you!"  
  
"Yes, you did!"  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"Yes, you did!"  
  
"No, I...,"  
  
In the distance, a power station flooded. In evidence of it, lights went out all over the city, and the coffee-maker stopped bubbling.  
  
"Er, guys. I think you should stop arguing," suggested Chad.  
  
"Great! Danni looked daggers at them. "Did you _do something_ , Jared? Because that's kind of petty, and now Jensen and I have to take the bus, because the subway will be out, and that means we have to leave now, and nobody gets any breakfast."  
  
Jared bit his lip, and looked suitably chastened. "I didn't know that would happen. The last time I was here,  there wasn't electricity, and it only took father a few minutes to sacrifice the virgin." He shuffled his feet. "Sorry," he added.  
  
Danni put on her coat, and grabbed an umbrella. "I don't suppose you can ease up on the rain until we're at the office, can you?"  
  
" **I'm stressed** ," boomed Jared. Thunder rolled.  
  
Jensen put his coat on. He touched Jared's arm lightly. "I promise I'm coming back. Look, I've left all my posters up, and my action figures are on the shelf. I'm not going to leave them behind, am I?"  
  
Jared touched a finger to the Firefly poster on the wall nearest to him. "I like them. It's a pity somebody put their mark on this one.” He ran his finger over Nathan Fillion's signature.  
  
Jensen laughed, “It's supposed to be like that. I'm going to get another one soon. The comic shop has one for Farscape, and that's signed too, but if I don't work, I won't get paid, and I won't be able to buy it. Nobody leaves _me_ presents at an altar.”  
  
“Oh.” Jared looked sad, “Then you should go.”  
  
Chad has a day's leave, so you can keep him company." Jensen stood on tiptoes, and kissed the upturn of Jared's nose. "By the way, when _were you here last_?"  
  
Jared closed one eye in concentration, and his fingers moved as he counted, "I lost track after two thousand years," he answered.  
  
They all turned to stare at him simultaneously, "Huh!"  they expressed, as one.

***

Jensen turned his iPOD on and his music up, to drown out the sound of the rain, while he did his filing.  Mid-morning, the electricity returned, and he mindlessly replied to e-mails. He bit his fingernails to the quick, wondering what he was going to do.  
  
Danni dragged him to a quiet internet cafe for lunch. She pulled up some websites and turned the screen for him to see. "I've been doing research," she announced.  
  
"The boss is going to kill you."  
  
If you don't do something, we are all going to drown," she groused.  
  
She pushed coffee at him, and sipped her own. "The Olmec were-jaguars," she started, "They weren't as big as the Mayan or Aztec gods, but they had some worshipers. The god could be human-like, or take the shape of a jaguar or black panther. They were supposed to be powerful and generous. According to this, they demanded regular sacrifice in return for rain in the first days after crops were planted. Of course, that was in Mexico, where water was actually needed."  
  
"Does it say what the sacrifice was?"  
  
"There are lots of different suggestions but none of them are confirmed by archaeologists. Blood of a lamb. Blood of a newborn baby. Blood of a virgin. Virgin."  
  
Jensen paled, and gulped his coffee. "I need to get away. What do I do? He's in my house!"  
  
"You summoned him. Why did you have to do that?"  
  
"I already said ...,"  
  
Danni tapped a picture, "Recognize this, genius?"  
  
He peered close. "It's Steve's fountain."  
  
Danni scowled at him. "According to this, it's the Jaguar Shrine of T'lolo, which was stolen during the excavation of an Olmec settlement."  
  
"Oh. Shit!" Jensen put his coffee down. He peered even closer. "The inscription is said to be a summoning spell. There is evidence that the sacrifice would be taken to the stone, and their hand held in the water, while the incantation was read out. The god would appear, bringing the rain with him, and take the sacrifice, while the village celebrated his bounty." Jensen put his head in his hands, " _Oh crappy, shit, fuck_! I summoned an ancient god, and he needs my blood. He's going to kill me Danni." His voice rose to a shrill squeak. He was panicking. He was absolutely entitled to panic. "It's all Chad's fault. I never wanted to do karaoke. He suggested we go to Comic Con."  
  
Danni put her hand over his. "Calm down, and think. Jared doesn't seem like he wants to kill you. Last night, in the cab, he was adamant he didn't want anybody to die, and then he told you he wanted to take you home. He did seem set on popping your cherry though."  
  
"Oh god! He probably has to kill me while we're having sex."  
  
"Seriously? He could have done that any time last night. He's more of a gentleman than ninety percent of my exes. You know, we could tell him we don't need his rain. I mean, we don't. In fact, we need the rain to stop."  
  
Jensen looked hopeful. He breathed out and took another sip of his coffee. "That might work."  
  
Danneel tapped her fingernails on the table, "Except, he must already have guessed we don't need the rain. He seems intelligent, and he has eyes."  
  
Jensen slumped in despair. "He said he can't go home until he's had sex with me. What am I going to do?" he whined.  
  
"You have to talk to him, Jensen. If necessary, you have to take a hit for the rest of mankind, and take it like a man, or like the desperate, horny virgin you are. He's totally hot, and hung like a horse. You were all over him last night. How difficult can it be?"  
  
Jensen narrowed his eyes at her and shifted nervously on his chair.  
  
"Oh, c'mon! You think I haven't seen your super secret sex toys? You _told Chad_ about them, Jensen."  
  
Jensen groaned, and buried his head on the table, under his arms. "I'll think about it," he promised.

 

***

So, that was the story so far. Jensen left work early, headed past the comic shop, picking up Jared's impromptu present on the way, (he was sure that the poster floating to his feet couldn't be a coincidence). He caught the bus back to his modest home, which he shared with Danneel and Chad, and hoped that the end of his tale was going to be more Hans Christian Anderson, than Grimm. He was shaking with fear when he walked through the door of his house.  
  
The front door was barely shut behind Jensen, when a four thousand year old, shaggy-haired god, bowled into him and clung on, like a frightened kitten. "I missed you," he whimpered, "It's all so confusing, and nothing Chad says makes sense."  
  
Of course, the only sensible thing for Jensen to do, in the circumstances, was to hug him close, slip a hand under his shirt, to caress his smooth, firm skin, and attack his mouth with a greedy, passionate kiss.  
  
 Outside, clouds parted to show a thin sliver of blue sky.  
  
 "Oh, hmm." Jared kissed back with enthusiasm. "Hello Jensen," he panted when they finally pulled apart.  
  
"Jared. Chad never makes sense. Please don't panic."  
  
"But I don't know what to do," Jared's hands flailed through air, then he took Jensen's arm and tugged him into the house. "Here." He helped Jensen with his coat. "Did you get my gift? Chad told me that if I wanted to take your most precious gift, then I should give you something first.  I managed to invoke the lightning. It was cool."  
  
Jensen held the poster tube in his hand. He didn't have the heart to yell at Jared for the damage his storm had caused, in the name of one large poster. He didn't know how to describe it. Vandalism? Breaking and not entering? Cat burglary?  
  
Chad lounged on the sofa. He scratched his belly, and burped his greeting.  
  
Jared scowled at Chad, but he didn't dwell on the bad behavior. He pressed a bottle of Mountain Dew into Jensen's hand, closely followed by a plate of Skittles, arranged in the bend and order of a rainbow.  
  
"Taste the rainbow!" Jared encouraged. "They're brilliant. They taste exactly right. The green one is perfect. Chad says he will get me a box of them to take home. The sun nymphs are going to go nuts over them."  He crinkled his nose as he considered the bottle of Mountain Dew, "The drink doesn't taste like dew at all. It's more like honey fizz, but I like honey fizz. Do you like honey fizz?"  
  
Jensen couldn't help smiling at Jared's enthusiasm. He couldn't stay frightened of the tall god, with his dimples and childish bounce. "If it tastes like this, then yes I do."  
  
"Oh, good. I can make that."  
  
"He takes adverts far too seriously, and don't even get me started on Oprah," Chad cut in as his hand snaked to steal a sweet. "I thought he was going to cry during MTV's Cribs."  
  
Jared's mouth turned down. He looked crushed. Jensen wondered what was so upsetting about MTV, aside from the music.  
  
"I learned much today," Jared started, "But it made no sense. I have to give presents to you, not your parents. I must look after you, but then you should be independent too. I should wait to make love to you, but if I wait it means I don't have passion. We should make love not war, but sometimes war is the right thing. Money isn't important, but then how does a human provide an adequate shelter for their mate?" Jared slumped into the sofa, and it shook. "I don't have money, and my home doesn't have a big kitchen, or gold faucets, or even closets. I don't have anything but a silly picture to exchange for your sacrifice, and yet, if we don't complete the ceremony, I can't go home, and your climate will be screwed up, and basically, I suck. I should have listened to father. We don't belong in your realm."  
  
 "You brought rain," stated Jensen. He tried to sound upbeat.  
  
"Yeah, sorry. According to the news show, that sucks too."  
  
"You could turn the rain off." Jensen bit back the suggestion that Jared go home. He realized that he really, really didn't want him to leave. After all, the dude had made him a Skittles rainbow. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him.  
  
Jared looked at his fingers. He didn't speak.  
  
"Jared?"  
  
 Jared blushed.  
  
"Chad, can you leave us for a few minutes?"  
  
Chad made no move.  
  
"Chad. Get out!" Jensen pointed to the door.  
  
"I don't want to miss anything."  
  
"Now!" Jensen pushed his friend off the sofa.  
  
"S'unfair." Chad shuffled to his room. As he closed the door, he yelled, "Call me when you get to the sex part of the deal."  
  
Jensen threw a sock after him. Jared aimed a skittle at his head with unerring precision, and it bounced off his gelled blond hair. "Ow."  
  
"You're learning," Jensen remarked with approval.  
  
Jared smiled, and his dimples showed.  
  
Sun broke through a tiny gap in the clouds, and a rainbow formed.  
  
"We need to talk." Jensen said.  
  
Clouds covered the sun.  
  
"I know."  
  
"So. I did some research, well Danni did, and it turns out you were right. I summoned you. I thought the inscription was Klingon." He shrugged. "I have to know what happens next. I'm assuming that whatever you decide, I won't to be able to fight you, what with the god thing n'all. You look kind of strong."  
  
"I can pull up a mature redwood with my hand," boasted Jared, "but that gets me into trouble with the tree gods, and their nymphs. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to wash maple syrup from hair?"  
  
Jensen nodded his understanding. "I had a similar experience with molasses. Chad was involved."  
  
Genevieve is normally the one who gets me into trouble. She's a sun nymph. And she cheats at Monopoly."  
  
"You have Monopoly?”  
  
Jared shrugged, “We have lots of things. Many of your new places were built on our shrines and altars. Objects come through. Arnold, who is a god of luck, gets the best things. There's a cub-scout hall on his shrine. He gets camping books, and games, and cookies. Genevieve bartered some sunshine seeds for Monopoly, but by then Arnold had Twister anyhow.”  
  
Jensen sympathized, "Chad cheats at Monopoly, and he thinks I don't notice if he moves my wizard in Dungeons and Dragons."  
  
"The dragons won't play with Gen any more. She once replaced their fire berries with sneezing nuts. There was ash everywhere, for days."  
  
Jensen laughed, "Oh, I would have loved to have seen that."  
  
"Really?" Jared's face lit up with joy, "I thought my realm would scare you. People don't generally trust dragons, but they're useful at a barbecue, and they know the dirtiest jokes."  
  
"It sounds amazing. Like Harry Potter, or an episode of Doctor Who."  
  
"I like it here, with you," Jared spoke quietly. "There is a machine that makes better coffee than the stuck-up Mayan gods ever did, and there's TV, posters, closets... and doors... and you."  
  
" _And doors_?"  
  
"We see reflections in the Emerald Lake, but it has been thousands of years since we visited your world. We don't keep up. We don't have IKEA, or electricity, or pizza."  
Jared spoke sadly, "My home is not suitable for a mate."  
  
"Jared, is that why Cribs upset you? Oh my god. That isn't normal! What sort of house you have isn't important. What is your home like? I'm sure it's comfortable."  
  
Jared mumbled under his breath.  
  
"Pardon."  
  
"I have a cave. Okay?"  
  
"Oh, Right." Jensen didn't know what to say about that. He decided to get back on track. Getting lost in conversation was easy with Jared, which was peculiar, because normally, talking was hard for him - especially talking to tall, hot strangers. "Jared, go back to where we started.  You were going to say something about the weather."  
  
Jared stared at Jensen's lips. "Can I kiss you?"  
  
_To hell with it. What would be the harm?_  
  
Jared's lips were soft and welcoming. His mouth was as fresh as rain. His arms encompassed him in safety, and they tumbled onto the sofa together. Jensen found himself crawling into Jared's lap to get as much of him as he could. He tangled his fingers into the wild, forest-fragrant hair, while his tongue pushed and tasted, sucked and licked. _Fuck_. He just couldn't get enough. He needed Jared like air, and Jared _wanted him_. He reached under Jared's tee-shirt, to run his fingers over the strong chest and pert nipples.  
  
They kissed until Jensen's lips were tender, and somewhere along the way, they lost their clothes, and Jensen thought it was a neat trick. "Bedroom," he managed to pant, before the last of his control was lost, with skin on skin, and _holy shit, I want your cock in me, right the fuck now_. He saw his virginity setting sail, and waved it goodbye, without any shame.  
  
Jared rummaged under the sofa and magically produced an economy-size bottle of Astroglide. He gave a lopsided grin at Jensen. "Chad gave it to me. He showed me a documentary on how to use it. Busty Asian Beauties ... he said the principle is the same."  
  
Jensen felt his arousal fade, just a fraction, "Did that 'documentary' tell you to never, ever mention Chad during intimate moments?"  He pulled Jared into his bedroom, and kicked the door shut. He scrambled onto the bed and grabbed Jared to bring him tumbling on top of him. "Will this do for an altar?" he asked. "Because, I swear, if you don't sacrifice me soon, my balls will explode."  
  
"Don't explode!" Jared sounded concerned.  
  
"It's an expression, Jared."  
  
"Oh, good." Jared dived on Jensen with power and weight, eager hot lips, and searching hands. The hard erection and soft skin of his cock ground against Jensen's ready dick, and they both moaned. Jared braced himself over Jensen and rolled his hips, repeating the action, slowly and sensually. Jensen threw his head back with pleasure.  
  
Jared's mouth found the exposed skin under his ear, to lave and suck at it. Slick digits found his puckered muscle. Jared prepped him with care, and Jensen squirmed and begged under him, insisting that he had toys, and nobody needed to be so thorough.  
  
"It's my first time," Jared reminded him. "I'm a little different, and I want to get it right. I don't want to hurt you."  
  
"I have a ten inch super-dong, in my nightstand." Jensen boasted, before Jared's words caught up with him. _Holy Hell - first time_. "You're thousands of years old! I thought gods got it on with worshipers, and other gods, all the time?"  
  
"Other gods aren't interesting." Jared breathed heavily, and continued stretching Jensen's hole with his long, supple, fingers, "I was too young when we were all the rage, and then there was the whole business of worshipers murdering babies, so father decided we wouldn't attend the summonings. Then it went quiet, and for the last two thousand years there's only been one or two virgin summons, and they weren't attractive or interesting, or even any good at the summoning, so I couldn't be bothered. Then BOOM, there you were, and you are more beautiful than I could have imagined, in body and in mind."  
  
Jensen stilled and peered up at Jared. "But I'm nerdy and plain."  
  
Thunder rolled in the distance. Jared's muscles tensed, like a cat about to pounce, then relaxed again. Jared stroked Jensen's face, "Of course you're not. You shine like the reflection of sunshine on a crystal lagoon. Your beauty was hidden from others because you are meant only for me. I am sure of it. You must never think that again." He kissed delicately at the freckles on Jensen's skin, and it tickled and tingled in the most arousing way. Between kisses, he spoke words; some compliments, like "sexy," and "sweet," and others in an archaic and unfamiliar tongue.  
  
Jensen rolled his hips up and moaned, "Jared."  
  
"Mm."  
  
"I'm nineteen years old and have I've waiting for you all my life. You are about two thousand years overdue for sex. Stop talking and fuck me." He stretched his knees wide for Jared to kneel between his legs.  
  
Jensen's fingers scratched and grasped his sheets as the head of Jared's cock nudged inside him. He held his breath with the initial discomfort but Jared was steady and considerate, and stopped to remind him to breathe. Then there was the bright explosion of sensation against his prostate and he didn't want respect or care any more. He wanted hard thrusts and fingerprint bruises. He was filled and fucked, and kissed and licked, and he was shamelessly rutting up to meet it all. There was a burn with the slide, but it felt right.  It felt _fucking fantastic_ , and Jared was a god to him, in every way. He reached around Jared to knead his asscheeks and encourage his rhythm. He swore, and squirmed, kissed, nipped and sucked. Sweat shone on their skin and soaked the bed. Jared's huge lubed hand reached between them to grasp Jensen's achingly hard dick, and he stroked it, in time with deep thrusts. All sense left Jensen, and he thought he might be jabbering, loudly.  
  
Jared was struggling to make sense too, "Oh, nngh, I'm gonna, Jensen, stay still, going to ..."  
  
Jensen was slammed flat to the bed with an invisible force. He tried to lift his head, but the pressure was too intense. Fear spiked at the same time as the pain of a hundred needles, stabbing him, in the depths of his most intimate channel. "Aagh. Holy Fuck! Wha? Jare?" Jensen yowled. He fought to make his body move, to get away, but he was skewered internally, and held supernaturally.  
  
Jared's eyes shone with an ecstatic intensity, and he stilled, buried as deep as he could be in Jensen. He spoke with the hint of a growl, "Cat barbs. You have to stay still, Jen, while I fill you up and breed you good."  
  
And oh, oh, the pain was irrelevant because the words, and the vibration of a rumbling, possessive, purr, sparked through every nerve ending and traveled straight to his dick. The pain of the barbs became curiously erotic, a physical form of possession, which made him feel loved and needed. He wondered if they injected some sort of love venom, because he was floating on a sex-high. He was close, and he was sure he was going to paint a lifetime's come on his belly, and Jared's abs.  
  
Jensen shut his eyes as he yelled his orgasm. When he opened them, he was outside. The sky above them was blue, painted with golden sunshine, and he was lying on fresh-cut soft grass with Jared above him, smiling softly, filling him deep with the proof of his sacrifice. There was the sound of water running over rocks nearby, and in the distance, tuneful, childish giggles could be heard. A green leaf fluttered on the wind beside them. Everything felt good and right, and happy. This was Eden, and this was his _mate_.  
  
 Jensen woke with a start, in his own bed. Jared was wiping him with a cool cloth. He looked pale and worried.  
  
"You blacked out. I was scared. I thought I left you behind, or that I damaged you."  
  
"You took me home with you." Jensen murmured dreamily.  
  
"I had to, or the spell would have failed. This way, we can both travel between realms." Jared chewed his lip, "It's just that there's a catch, and I know it's selfish but I am a god and you were my sacrifice to take."  
  
"I'm still alive!" Jensen sat up. He wriggled his fingers and toes. He was beginning to wake up. "I never asked, and it was really, very important, but I never asked if the ceremony would kill me. Ha! I'm alive!"  
  
Jared became increasingly wide eyed as Jensen came around to everything he had just done, because, wow. _It was good_. The best in fact, but ...ouch, his ass stung. "Barbed cock!" he suddenly exclaimed, just before he used a flat palm, to slap Jared's face. "You have _barbs_ , and you never warned me! **_Sharp, painful, barbs_**!"  
  
"Only when I orgasm!" Jared raised his hands to cover his face defensively. "I'm a were jaguar! What did you expect?"  
  
"Not that! And, and, and ... **_you used magic_** to seduce me." Jensen pointed accusingly.  
  
Jared's brow creased. "I can't do that. I would have waited. You dragged me into your room."  
  
" _Oh, my god. **I'm a slut**_!" wailed Jensen.  
  
 "It isn't wrong to enjoy sex. Oprah said so," Jared reassured.  
  
"You pinned me down, **_with magic_**."  
  
"Well, yes, only because I didn't want you to hurt yourself. Anyway, you got off on it."  
  
Jensen blushed wine-red. "You went all Neanderthal and godlike. I can't be expected to resist that. And ** _I don't freak out_**!"  
  
Jared just stared at him, and raised one eyebrow.  
  
Jensen was aware of his heart racing, and a cold sweat on his brow. " _ **Am I freaking out?** I'm freaking out, aren't I_?"  
  
Jared nodded, climbed into  bed, and wrapped himself around Jensen. He rocked him slightly and kissed him. "Since you're already freaking out, I may as well tell you the rest."  
  
Jensen rested his head over Jared's heart. For some reason he needed to be close, and hear the beat of it. His own heart slowed, and his tension started to dissipate. "The rest?"  
  
"After a Jaguar god is summoned, we can only return to our realm when we take the virgin sacrifice. It is to do with the energy released. If we leave the deflowered sacrifice at the altar, then we cannot return to your world until we are summoned again."  
  
It was Jensen's turn to be confused, "But you're here."  
  
"Because our combined energy was strong enough to take us both home, and return us here. I mated you, and the process binds us together, forever. You shared your world bond with me, and I shared my bond with you. We became creatures of both realms."  
  
"I could have lost you and I never asked. _I might never have seen you again_! You didn't ask me!" Jensen could feel the freak-out returning.  
  
Jared shook his head in disbelief. "I tell you that I mated with you, _forever_ , and that you aren't entirely human any more, and you panic over something that didn't happen."  
  
Jensen caught up, "Forever, like ...always?"  
  
"As long as we both shall live."  
  
"How long is that?"  
  
"In this world we are mortal. In my world, it is endless."  
  
"Huh. We only met yesterday." Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared's waist. He was flesh to flesh, in exactly the place he needed to be. "I should be freaking out again, shouldn't I?"  
  
"I think maybe we should both be freaking out, but I feel good. How about you?"  
  
"Happy. Exhausted," murmured Jensen.  
  
 "Flat-out," echoed Jared.  
  
Jensen nuzzled at Jared's neck. "Stay with me tonight."  
  
"I shall always be with you." Jared kissed his brow.  
  
Jensen could feel sleep pulling him under, but his eyelashes fluttered open with a sudden thought, "Am I a were jaguar now? Do I get a long tail and pointy ears?"  
  
Jared curled around him protectively, "No, but you will have our babies, and they shall be were jaguars, and inherit my powers."  
  
Jensen sat up abruptly. He thought he was entitled to freak out, all over again.  
  
Outside, emergency services picked through the debris of a tornado, and wondered at the house that stayed intact in the middle of its destruction. Chad and Danneel politely refused to leave, and closed their blinds to the reporters, who clamored for their opinion.

***

A week later, they all ate breakfast together. Outside the sun shone, not too bright, not too cool.  
  
"Bacon, eggs and pancakes!"  Jensen served breakfast with a flourish.  
  
Jared tucked in with enthusiasm. Danni pushed her plate away. "I keep thinking about the noises you two made last night," she complained to Jensen.  
  
Chad and Jared dived to steal her portion, but Jared growled a threat, and Chad backed off.  
  
"Jensen excites the wild beast in me," Jared admitted. "We'll have somewhere of our own soon. I'm going to see a leprechaun about the pot of gold at the end of his rainbow. He owes me for hooking him up with Genevieve. Then, there's a satyr who does wonderful things with log cabins, and I'm going to install solar power."  
  
"And what about this realm? You know that Jensen has to be bright and early in work, every day."  
  
Jensen chewed his bacon and swallowed some coffee, "My boss isn't coming back. Apparently the storm, and the mass of insurance claims that came from it, was all too much for him. My promotion has been made permanent, and so has the pay raise."  
  
Chad high-fived Jared. "Awesome sex-storm, dude."  
  
Jensen continued, "We're looking at a little house, with its own plot of land. There's trees and shrubs, and we're going to have a pond with a rock fountain.”  
  
“And a garden shed painted like the TARDIS,” Jared gave a thumbs up at Chad. "The house is on sale for next to nothing, because it keeps flooding," he added slyly.  
  
“I know somebody who makes Cyberman gnomes. They'd look good by your pond.” Chad told them.  
  
 "You wouldn't have anything to do with Steve's fountain going missing from the club would you?" Danni inquired, sternly.  
  
Jensen and Jared batted their eyelashes innocently, and took another bite of pancake.

 

***

Jared met Jensen for lunch in the park. They walked together hand in hand, and the sticky morning heat was broken by a cool mist of rain. Jensen breathed in the wonderful smell of damp grass and flowers.  
  
"How do you make the weather so perfect?" Jensen asked. He'd been wondering about the change, ever since their first night together, and the tornado that ensued. There hadn't been any unexpected storms in the region since, despite some fairly energetic lovemaking.  
  
Jared gave him an impish look. "You want me to give away my secrets?"  
  
"I gave my virginity."  
  
"So did I!"  
  
"Mmm. Touché, So, weather?"  
  
"I don't do anything. It's perfect all on its own. If I want a rainstorm very badly, then I think about it hard, and sometimes it happens. Mostly, rain gods are about timing and mood. If you know the season, you know when it is best to respond to a summoning, to make it look good. Then, there is a temporary effect that we seem to have when we travel between realms, or when we're very stressed." He dropped his voice to a panther purr, "Or sexually frustrated."  
  
"Oh, so this isn't you?" Jensen put his hands out to catch sparkling droplets.  
  
"Maybe, subconsciously it is. I have everything I need for my life to be perfect, right next to me, and he is covered in his own golden raindrops." Jared crowded his mate against the rough bark of an elderly oak. He kissed him breathless and counted freckles, with tickling fingers. A forest nymph giggled and hid her eyes from the sight of them making out, under the shelter of her tree.  
  
In the afternoon, Danni brought Jensen coffee in his new office. She ruffled his hair, straightened his tie, and tucked his shirt back into his pants. "Now, about the cat hair on our sofa ...," she began.  
  
Jensen's eyes sparkled. "Chad's fault!" he declared..

 

 

 

~end~

_A/N: A black jaguar is a panther. Jared is loosely based on the Olmec were-jaguar, which could travel between realms and commune with Olmec shamen, though I accept that in reality these gods would have had a native Mesoamerican appearance, therefore a person of color. All sorts of liberties have been taken with the myth. If it interests you, then follow the trail from here_ [ _https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaguars_in_Mesoamerican_cultures_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaguars_in_Mesoamerican_cultures)

 


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